it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
