every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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