I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
