theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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