A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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