he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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