we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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