Your tits are I can't wait for
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
