Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
