I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
