why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
