I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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