I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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