Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I did not marry a roomba.
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