I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
