I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
