Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
