My friends, they love my intelligence
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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