He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Randomize
