Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
