Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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