I wish I could teleport
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
