so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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