How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
