Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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