I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
