On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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