Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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