last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
