That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
