Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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