yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
