Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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