why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
