Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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