The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
