i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
