Whod you bang
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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