Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
