Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
