Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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