dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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