i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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