I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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