8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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