I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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