Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
