you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
