Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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