I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
