you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
