WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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