I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
