the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
